Grace

So, I've been thinking about blogging. I have this need within me to write, and not just to write for myself - I've always been miserable about keeping a journal - but to put my thoughts out there, and by doing so, to start a conversation. I want people to be able to react, to say, "Wow, I've been there too," or "Have you thought about it this way?" or "I think you might be a little off-base here," or "How dare you say that!"

What I tend to forget in the process is that:
a) other people are not inside my head to hear all the thoughts and experiences that are behind what I write;
b) anyone on earth could be reading this and taking anything I say completely out of context;
c) people might read into what I write some personal implication that I never intended; and,
d) those people might for whatever reason choose not to enter into conversation with me about what I've written.

I have such a big mouth that it's hard for me to remember that other people might not tell me that they've been offended by something I've said.

I take my responsibilities and position as a minister seriously, so I don't wish to hurt people and cause problems through this blog. Because I take my responsibilities and position seriously, I also don't want to be so afraid to write honestly that I sacrifice the weird little ministry that happens here.

Sometimes I say stupid and petty things here. It helps me to be able to write it, and look at it for what it is, and realize that it's stupid and petty, and amend my attitude. Later, I often think, "Maybe I should delete that, so people don't realize how stupid and petty I can be." But then, there would be only the victories and none of the struggle to get there, only the joys and none of the pain that allows me to know the sweetness of that joy. That wouldn't be real. Grace doesn't happen when we're at our best; it happens when we're at our worst. That's when we need grace. That's when we appreciate grace.

Blogging is a risk, not just for me, but for the others who might be affected by what I write. I wish I was risking only myself, because it would be a much easier decision that way. But life is not lived in a vacuum. I guess I just pray that I will grow in sober judgment through my missteps. And I pray for grace.

Daunted

Yes, that is how I feel.

I have returned from the new ministers' event, and I am feeling somewhat daunted by the material presented there, and by the general task of ministry. Even though I've now been doing it for two years (and that's just in my current position), there are days when it all seems new and foreign. Not bad, just...a lot.

I am also feeling daunted by my email inbox, the pile of snail mail on my desk, my to-do list for the week, the idea of writing a sermon, and my neglected dog's desire for my undivided attention.

Then I looked at my calendar and realized that Lent begins in two weeks. I'm going to need to do some more intensive planning before then to avoid feeling like the whole season is just a long, frantic charge toward Easter.

So, I guess I'm going to go now and wade through some of the dauntingness rather than avoiding it by blogging.

It is good to be back, by the way.