Fry Yourself

So, last spring I made a fairly major screw-up with church stuff by assuming (and we all know what happens when you assume) money would appear for something I thought was important, and starting to make arrangements before checking with the necessary people. I'm just getting used to this whole checking with the necessary people thing, which I suppose is kind of a late lesson, but what do you do? Anyway, the whole saga is rearing its ugly head again, and turning out to be an even bigger deal than I originally thought, which I can hopefully solve by 6:30pm. Ha. In the meantime, while I wait for the necessary people to call me back and help me solve this conundrum, blogging seems like a good idea.

By nature, I am not particularly inclined toward considering all factors or risks before making major decisions. I am of the, "It seems good, I'll do it, and deal with whatever goes wrong as it comes up" school of decision-making. This doesn't really go over well with people who are more wired to look for and avoid potential disasters before they happen. Nor is it usually comfortable for people who are affected by my spontaneous planning. I'm getting better, but I have to really work at making myself slow down and go through the proper steps.

On the other hand, one of the things I rather like about myself is my willingness to risk, and not worry overly much about obstacles or consequences. So far it's worked out for me. I've done some dumb things, but nothing incredibly stupid or disastrous. I've had to dig out of some fairly large holes, and that has developed in a me slightly more of a think, THEN act inclination. But on the whole, it's also led to a really interesting life. (Boredom being one of the few consequences that does regularly occur to me and dissuade me from certain courses of action.)

I guess what I'm saying is...it's good for me to learn to work within an institution and not throw off the whole system or freak everyone out with my randomness. I don't need to be a maverick ALL the time. On a personal level, though, I don't ever want to be someone who is so afraid of pain or struggle that I won't take chances. I want to feel, and move, and live fully. I want, as today's poem says, to want something badly enough to fry myself. Which will make more sense after you read it.

"the lesson of the moth" by Don Marquis

i was talking to a moth

the other evening

he was trying to break into

an electric light bulb

and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows

pull this stunt i asked him

because it is the conventional

thing for moths or why

if that had been an uncovered

candle instead of an electric

light bulb you would

now be a small unsightly cinder

have you no sense

plenty of it he answered

but at times we get tired

of using it

we get bored with the routine

and crave beauty

and excitement

fire is beautiful

and we know that if we get

too close it will kill us

but what does that matter

it is better to be happy

for a moment

and be burned up with beauty

than to live a long time

and be bored all the while

so we wad all our life up

into one little roll

and then we shoot the roll

that is what life is for

it is better to be a part of beauty

for one instant and then cease to

exist than to exist forever

and never be a part of beauty

our attitude toward life

is come easy go easy

we are like human beings

used to be before they became

too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him

out of his philosophy

he went and immolated himself

on a patent cigar lighter

i do not agree with him

myself i would rather have

half the happiness and twice

the longevity

but at the same time i wish

there was something i wanted

as badly as he wanted to fry himself.